


never have i ever (been in love with a magician)

by adamganseys



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Coming Out, Drinking Games, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Love Confessions, M/M, Never Have I Ever, Post-The Raven King, Pre-Epilogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 06:57:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7090531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adamganseys/pseuds/adamganseys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What was love, then? Was it the way Adam’s heart beat faster every time Ronan touched him or smiled at him? Was it the way Adam could not stand to see Ronan in pain, the way he felt the urge to reach out and soothe his fears? Was it the lightness he felt when he woke up next to Ronan, the safety and sureness he felt in Ronan’s arms, like nothing could ever hurt him again as long as this beautiful boy was at his side? </p><p>(Or, the one where the gang plays Never Have I Ever and feelings and relationships are revealed)</p>
            </blockquote>





	never have i ever (been in love with a magician)

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a fun ot5 fic and turned into Adam contemplating love and crying so..... idk man. Enjoy nevertheless. This is the first time I've really had Henry be a major presence in a fic so I hope I did him justice. I've been on a roll with writing these past few days and I haven't burned myself out thus far, so, there will probably be something else up soon.

“Why are we doing this, again?”

“Because, Lynch, we have all gone through a lot and this is a bonding experience that makes us feel like normal teenagers for once.” Henry stared Ronan’s glaring face down, unflinching. 

“This is fucking stupid.” 

Adam agreed, but he punched Ronan in the arm anyways. “Ronan.”

“Yes, good, listen to my man Parrish here.” Adam shot Henry a disdainful look that Henry promptly ignored. 

“You’re so fucking--,”

“Ronan,” Blue interrupted. “Would it kill you not to be an asshole for once? Besides, when have you ever objected to a drinking game?”

They were all sitting on the floor of Monmouth in a circle, beers in their hands. Well, besides Adam, who had a bottle of orange soda. It was a Friday night, a little over a week after Gansey’s death and resurrection. Henry had decided that they should have a sleepover at Monmouth and do Normal Teenage Things for one night, which Gansey and Blue immediately backed up and Ronan and Adam immediately scoffed at derisively. In the end, though, Gansey convinced both of them. Opal was at Fox Way, however. Ronan said that there was no reason that the urchin should have to endure this torture, too.

Ronan and Adam were sitting next to each other, a little closer than they normally would but not touching, not close enough that anyone else would suspect anything. They weren’t hiding their relationship, per se, they just weren’t really sure how to bring it up to their friends. This was still so new. Adam had mentioned to Ronan that he told Gansey about their kiss, but neither Adam nor Gansey had said anything about it to each other after that night.

Adam wanted to get it over with soon, though, because it was getting difficult. These days, Adam found that he couldn’t be near Ronan without wanting to touch him somehow. Every part of him was itching to hold Ronan’s hand, right then, to lean his head on his shoulder, to press their sides together. He glanced bitterly at Gansey and Blue’s intertwined hands. He didn’t know how they managed to (or at least tried to) keep their relationship secret for months. He felt like he was going to explode if he didn’t touch Ronan soon.

“I don’t do drinking games. I drink whenever the fuck I feel like it.” 

Blue just rolled her eyes.

“Alright, gentlemen and lady, let’s start,” Henry said in a voice that was far too cheery.

“Great,” Ronan said with fake enthusiasm. “I’ll start. Never Have I Ever organized a stupid ass sleepover for no other reason than to torture people.”

“ _Ronan_ ,” Blue, Gansey, and Adam said in unison.

Henry just smiled wide and took a drink. “Not people. Only to torture you, my guy.”

Ronan bared his teeth.

Blue broke in in an angry voice. “Jesus Christ Ronan, what is your problem? There’s no reason to be an asshole to Henry all the fucking time. If you don’t want to be here then get the hell out and sulk by yourself. The four of us will stay and have a great time without you.”

Ronan, Gansey, and Adam gaped at her, shocked at the outburst and the use of the word _fucking._  

Ronan glowered at her and huffed, “Whatever,” but they all knew that meant he’d stay and tone it down. For all of his harsh words, Ronan didn’t particularly want to be left out, especially if Adam would be staying.

Henry was smiling at Blue. “Thanks for defending my honor, Wendybird.” He patted her hair softly, like Noah used to do, and Blue smiled back at him with such fondness that Adam couldn’t help but warm up to Henry automatically.

Ronan was staring at the exchange with barely contained rage. “Traitor,” Ronan muttered. Adam studied Ronan’s face, and knew that despite it all, he was jealous. Ronan was a jealous creature by nature, and Blue’s anger at him and preference of Henry bothered Ronan, no matter how much he tried to pretend otherwise.

Adam knew they’d be back to bickering affectionately in no time, though. These days, their fights rarely had any real heat to them. 

Blue just rolled her eyes. “Alright. Drinks ready. I’m starting. Never have I ever… spent more money than the price of a fancy car just because I was having a bad day.” 

Gansey, Henry, and Ronan all drank - the former two rather sheepishly and the latter with something like pride on his face. Adam tried not to let his temper rise at that.

“That was one time,” Gansey grumbled.

Ronan snorted. “I can name at least seven different instances you did that, Dick.” 

Adam exchanged a look with Blue, and they smirked at each other knowingly.

Henry spoke next. “Never have I ever gotten a rebellious haircut to make a point.” This seemed to be directed at Ronan, but Blue was the only one who drank. 

“Blue?” Gansey asked.

To Adam’s surprise, Blue’s cheeks were a little pink. “I was nine. I had longer hair and I kind of just… chopped it all off into a pixie cut and gave myself French bangs because I was mad at my mom. It was a pretty hideous combination.”

“More hideous than your hair now?” That was Ronan, apparently still bitter about their earlier spat. 

Blue just stuck her tongue out at him.

Henry asked, “Lynch? Don’t you have to take a sip?”

Ronan’s voice was quiet. “That’s not why I did it.” 

And suddenly, the atmosphere in the room was tense. Adam and Gansey exchanged looks.

He hadn’t been there for the transformation, but Adam knew Ronan’s shaved head was a result of grief, a result of the pain he felt when he looked in the mirror and saw his father’s face. Adam wanted to reach over and squeeze Ronan’s hand in reassurance, but he kept his hands to himself. 

Gansey cleared his throat. “Anyways. Never have I ever stolen the Pig for a night.”

Adam and Ronan both drank with guilty looks on their faces. 

“No way,” Henry said. “How are you two still friends with him? I thought a crime like that would result in permanent exile.”

 “It came close, believe me,” Gansey replied drily.

Ronan just glared at Henry, but refrained from making a cruel comment, which was an improvement.

Henry turned to Blue. “Sargent? You never stole your boyfriend’s car?” 

Blue shrugged, a sly smile on her face. “Never had to. He lets me drive it whenever I want.” 

“That’s disgusting,” Henry said with glee.

Ronan smirked at Blue. “Pretty sure there’s a sex joke somewhere in there—“

“Right, moving on,” Gansey cleared his throat again. “Adam, your turn?”

Adam considered. “Never have I ever gotten basic tasks like my laundry and cleaning done by others because I didn’t know how to do it myself.”

Gansey and Henry drank. Ronan did not.

Blue quirked an eyebrow at Gansey. “You’ve been living on your own for years.” 

“Yes, well, I always had all my clothes sent to the cleaners before I moved into Monmouth. It was easier that way.”

Blue just shook her head, speechless.

“Not you, Lynch?” Henry asked in a surprised tone.

“I lived on a fucking farm. We didn’t have any servants or shit like that. We did everything ourselves.”

It went on like this, with not much exciting information being offered. After a few rounds, though, Henry finally said, “Never have I ever had sex.” 

No one drank.

There were suddenly four very red teenagers in the room. Adam and Ronan very purposely did not look at each other.

“Wow,” Henry said, breaking the sudden very awkward silence. “We’re all losers.” 

“Well,” Blue said innocently. “To be fair, me and Gansey couldn’t kiss. If we could, who knows.”

Gansey made a choking sound and turned even redder.

Ronan raised his eyebrows at Blue, smiling like the Devil. “I don’t know if you skipped sex ed, Sargent, but you don’t have to kiss to have sex, technically.”

Blue sputtered at that and Gansey quickly changed the subject. “Never have I ever made out with a girl under the stars.”

“We _almost_ kissed under the stars, Gansey, that should count,” Blue huffed.

Adam and Henry both drank. 

“Nice, man,” Henry said. “Tell us the story.” 

Adam shrugged. “I was sixteen. Her name was Winifred and I went to school with her. We were hanging out one night outside of the double wide. It was nice, I guess.”

“First kiss?” Gansey asked. 

“No. I’d kissed a few other girls before that, I think.” His first kiss was at fourteen, his second a sloppy makeout at fifteen, and then he made out with two others at sixteen. None of them had made them feel the way he did while making out with Ronan, though.

Next to him, Ronan scowled. “What kind of weird ass name is Winifred?” Adam gave him an amused look, his eyes saying _Are you seriously jealous right now?_ Ronan’s ears turned pink and he looked away.

“Damn, Parrish, you got game. Mine was a girl named Natasha. I was sixteen. She was hot.” Those were all the details that Henry thought were relevant, apparently, so they moved on.

There was nothing too interesting in the next round. Gansey, Henry, and Blue were all tipsy, on the cusp of being mildly drunk. Ronan had probably taken more sips than any of them, but his tolerance was sky high, so he was barely affected. Adam continued sipping his orange soda.

Henry seemed intent on spilling all there secrets that night. When his turn came again, he said, “Never have I ever made out with a boy.” He paused. “Wait. No. Wrong. I’ve done that. Multiple times. I’m tipsier than I thought.” 

None of them seemed shocked by the revelation that Henry had kissed guys, though Gansey did have a complicated look on his face. Blue also drank.

But when Adam and Ronan both drank, red faced, Henry and Blue stared at them, slack-jawed.

“No way, my dudes. I knew there was something non hetero about you two. Tell us your stories. Who was it?” Henry apparently had not yet figured out that they didn’t have separate stories to tell.

Gansey was looking between them thoughtfully, and Blue still had a shocked expression.

Adam and Ronan exchanged a look. When Adam looked back to Blue, he almost saw the lightbulb go off in her head. Her lips widened into the biggest smile he’d seen from her.

“No way!” Blue’s voice was gleeful. “You two?”

Adam shrugged, a sheepish smile on his face, and when he looked at Ronan, his mouth was twitching as well.

Henry’s eyebrows were furrowed. “Who two? _Them_ two? You two? You two made out with _each other_?” 

“Got a problem, Cheng?” Ronan shot back.

“No problem, my friend. It’s just surprising, that’s all.”

Blue was looking at Gansey. “Did you know about this? You seem awfully calm.”

Gansey nodded. “Adam told me the day they kissed.” 

“Well that’s just not fair,” Blue complained. “Now you _have_ to tell me the story.”

Adam glanced at Ronan, asking a silent question. Ronan inclined his head. _Go ahead_.

Adam cleared his throat, suddenly self-conscious. It was weird to talk about Ronan and him out loud. “Um, well, it was at the Barns, on his birthday. During that… night of truths.” 

Blue looked scandalized. “You guys made out while we were there?”

“Shh,” Henry hissed. “Don’t interrupt.”

“I was going to look for aluminum foil in Matthew’s room but I ended up in Ronan’s room, and um.” Adam could feel himself flushing but he continued on. “He just, sat next to me and after a few moments he kissed me.” 

“You guys made out in his bedroom, on his birthday?” Blue made an approving noise. “Impressive.”

“We didn’t _make out_. Well, not then, anyways. The making out happened, uh, after you guys left.” 

Henry was smirking. “You gave him a birthday kiss, Parrish? Looks like you held out on him. Don’t you know how the song goes? _You know I don’t need candles or cake, just need your body to make you birthday sex, birthday sex oh, oh, oh…”_ Henry’s singing voice was terrible, but that didn’t stop him.

“Jesus, Cheng, shut up,” Adam said, his face flaming up. When Adam dared a glance at Ronan, his face was in a similar condition.

Henry just laughed, and Blue and Gansey were clearly trying very hard to hold in their own laughter. _Traitors_ , Adam thought. 

Adam took a deep breath, then, and moved closer to Ronan so that their shoulders were touching. Then he took Ronan’s hand in his, squeezing it lightly.

Blue, Gansey, and Henry all tracked the movement. Blue and Gansey said in unison, “Gross.”

Ronan flipped them the bird.

Adam bumped his shoulder, and they grinned at each other, happiness shining in both their eyes. Adam squeezed his hand again.

“Wow,” Gansey said suddenly. “I suppose I’m the only one of you guys who hasn’t kissed a boy.”

“Don’t you dare look at us,” Ronan said.

Gansey looked embarrassed. “I wasn’t— that wasn’t what I was implying.”

“Good,” Ronan retorted. “Because I’m not fucking sharing.” Adam just rolled his eyes.

“Well, Gansey Boy, if you ever want to give it a try, I’m always available,” Henry said with a suggestive wink.

Gansey turned pink and said in a flustered voice, “No – no thank you. I’m alright. But thank you for offering.” He cleared his throat.

Henry shrugged. “Offer still stands.”

“Anyways,” Gansey said in a loud voice. “Who’s next?”

It was the next round that put things to a halt, when Gansey had smiled all bashfully at Blue, and said, in what Adam thought was supposed to be a flirtatious tone, “Never have I ever been in love.”

Adam froze. 

Blue frowned at him. “Are you saying you _aren’t_ in love with me?” 

Gansey looked confused. “What? No, I meant I am.”

Henry snorted. “Your boyfriend’s a fucking lightweight, Blue. He’s gone.” Then his gaze flicked to Ronan, who had just finished taking a sip of his beer. Adam’s heart beat louder in his chest. “Damn, Lynch. Didn’t know you had it in you.”

Henry then stared at Adam, and every person in the room was suddenly very aware that Ronan had drank and Adam had not. 

Adam opened his mouth, closed it again. He didn’t look at Ronan, whose hand was still in his. He wondered if Ronan could feel his pulse racing, his palm sweating.

“Well,” Gansey said with fake cheer. “I’m exhausted and it’s getting late. Perhaps we should drop Jane home?”

“I thought this was supposed to be a sleepover,” Henry said. 

“Yes, well, maybe we should adjust our plans—,” 

“Shut the fuck up, Gansey. That isn’t necessary. You guys are ridiculous,” Ronan said in an annoyed tone.

When they all continued to stare at the pair of them awkwardly, Ronan let out a frustrated sound. “Whatever,” He muttered. “I’m gonna go feed Chainsaw.” He wrenched his hand out of Adam’s and strode to his room, slamming the door behind him.

There was an awkward silence for a few moments and then Gansey asked softly, “Do you want to go after him?”

Adam felt lost. He remembered what Gansey had said to him at the Barns. _Don’t break him, Adam._ _He’s not as tough as he seems_.

Adam nodded numbly and got up. His voice was strained when he said, “You guys have fun. We’re… probably done for the night.” He didn’t bother knocking when he went inside Ronan’s room. 

Ronan was sitting on his bed, Chainsaw in his lap. He didn’t look up when Adam walked in. Adam sat down next to him.

“So,” Ronan said. “Did the three musketeers actually leave?”

“No. They’re still there." 

Ronan nodded. Chainsaw flew back to her cage. Adam coughed.

Adam Parrish did not understand love. For so long, he did not even believe in it. Recently, he’d been lucky – no, _privileged –_ enough to be acquainted with it, in the form of unshakeable friendship.

But prior to that, all he knew of love – or what was _supposed_ to be love – was his father’s fists and his mother’s cold face. It was, _we do all this for you and this is how you repay us?_ It was, _We’ll deal with this as a family, Adam. Families are always tough, but we love each other, don’t we?_ It was the tears that streamed down Adam’s face every night and the bruises all over his body.

Adam knew he was capable of love, now, to an extent. He loved Cabeswater, loves it still, even though it is gone. He loves his friends. But when it came to the intricacies of love, and specifically of being _in love,_ he did not understand anything.

Gansey had said that he knew he loved Blue because she made him quiet. Adam remembered the quietness of the Barns and the stillness inside him the morning after he’d kissed Ronan. But it couldn’t be that simple, could it? Nothing was that simple.

What was love, then? Was it the way Adam’s heart beat faster every time Ronan touched him or smiled at him? Was it the way Adam could not stand to see Ronan in pain, the way he felt the urge to reach out and soothe his fears? Was it the lightness he felt when he woke up next to Ronan, the safety and sureness he felt in Ronan’s arms, like nothing could ever hurt him again as long as this beautiful boy was at his side?

Adam didn’t know. He simply did not know, and he wouldn’t tell Ronan he loved him until he was a hundred percent sure of it.

“Ronan…” Adam started, but he wasn’t sure how to continue.

“Don’t, Adam. You don’t have to say anything.” 

Adam shook his head. “No. No, I do, I… I’m sorry. I don’t want you to think—to be upset—,”

“Parrish. Don’t be stupid. I’m not upset. Jesus, I’m not that much of an asshole. I’m not gonna throw a fucking tantrum just because you’re not ready to say it back. Look, this isn’t… this isn’t the way I wanted to tell you, but, it’s fine. Really.”

Adam felt like he could breathe again. “Okay,” He whispered, and then kissed Ronan, once, softly, trying to convey how much he cared about him.

“I…” Adam wasn’t sure to explain the jumble of emotions inside him. “I never used to believe in love. For the longest time, I didn’t even…”

“You don’t have to explain yourself, Parrish.” 

“I know. But I want to.”

“Okay,” Ronan said simply. 

Adam took a shaky breath. “I’ve just, never had it, you know? I didn’t even know I was capable of it for so long. And even if I could, it would’ve been a luxury I couldn’t afford. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to—” He broke off, breathing deep again. “And now I think I can, but it’s— it’s so new. And scary. And I knew you were all or nothing from the beginning, you know? I knew that. I knew you didn’t do anything half way. But I can’t—I’m all in this, I am, but I can’t _feel_ the way you do, with everything you have, bleeding your feelings everywhere, that’s... I just can’t do that. And I don’t understand love yet, but... I’m learning. And I hope I’ll be able to give it to you one day. You deserve that.” Adam’s hands were shaking, now. He knew he was rambling nonsensically, but he didn’t know how to convey what he was feeling. Everything was tangled up inside him.

Ronan clasped his hands over Adam’s shaking ones, and Adam turned to look at him, finally. “Adam. It’s okay. You’re okay. You don’t owe me this, alright? And you have it now. You should have had it since you were a kid, and it’s a fucking crime that you didn’t. But you have it now.”

Adam just stared at him.

“Gansey loves you. So do Blue and Opal and those scary ladies at Fox Way. Persephone and Noah loved you.” Ronan did his smoker’s breath, swallowed audibly, his hand tightening on Adam’s. “And… and I love you. I’ve always loved you, Parrish.” Ronan brought Adam’s hand to his mouth, kissing it gently.

Adam could do nothing but stare at Ronan. He felt full of something, and it was threatening to consume him, and it was leaking out, and then he was crying. 

“Ronan—“ he choked out, unable to say anything more. “Ronan, I—“

Ronan framed his face with his hands, wiped his tears with his thumb, pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I know.” 

Adam shook his head, and now his entire body was shaking, and the tears kept leaking out. He buried his face in Ronan’s chest, and Ronan wrapped his arms around him. 

Adam had cried many times when he was sad – in his bedroom, on the porch, in the Aglionby bathroom. But he couldn’t ever remembering crying because of this feeling in his chest – he didn’t know what it was called, but it overwhelmed him. 

Ronan held him tight, kissing his hair, not saying anything. 

Adam finally pulled back, wiping the last of his tears. He leaned his head on Ronan’s shoulder, and put his hand in Ronan’s, gripping tight.

“You good?” Ronan murmured.

“Yeah. Yeah.” 

Adam pulled back and looked at Ronan. He traced his cheekbone, cupping his cheek, and kissed him deeply. He leaned their foreheads together and whispered, “Thank you, Ronan.”

“Nothing to thank me for, Parrish.” 

“There’s everything to thank you for. I—“ Adam bit his lip, inhaled. “I’m really happy. I’m really happy I have this, _you_. I—“ Adam closed his eyes, took another breath. “I need you,” he whispered.

It wasn’t quite _I love you_ , but it was all Adam could give at the moment. In some ways, it was even more terrifying than _I love you_. Because Adam Parrish was his own man who didn’t rely on anyone, who didn’t need anyone. But now that he had tasted Ronan’s warm and alive presence in his life, he knew that he needed it, could never let it go.

Ronan kissed his forehead, and Adam’s eyes fluttered open. “You’ll always have me, Adam,” Ronan said. 

Adam smiled at him, and kissed him, and kissed him, and kissed him.

When they finally broke away, Ronan said, “Should we go outside and let those losers know they didn’t break us up or whatever? Gansey looked like he was about to have a fucking stroke.” 

Adam laughed. “I think they’ll be alright. I’d rather just stay in here with you.”

Ronan smiled at him, one of his true, unshielded smiles that Adam was seeing more and more of lately. “Read my mind.”

Afterwards, when they were lying down, Adam's head on Ronan's chest, Ronan said, casually, "So, Winifred."

Adam rolled his eyes. "Oh my god, Lynch. Really?"

Ronan scoffed. "What? I'm just saying. Lame ass name. And how many fucking girls did you make out with before that, Jesus."

Adam thought about it. "Four, probably."

Ronan made a high sound in his throat. Adam lifted his head and leaned up on his elbows to look at Ronan. "Are you seriously jealous?"

"I'm not  _jealous_ ," Ronan insisted.

"Uh huh."

"Whatever, Parrish. You've just made out with a lot of people, that's all." 

"And you're upset that the only person you've made out with is me?"

"Christ, no. I... I'm glad you're the only person I've kissed." His ears turned a little red. "I wouldn't want to kiss anyone else."

Adam smirked at him. "That's cute."

"Shut the fuck up."

Adam felt his own face heating up as he said, "You're the only person I want to kiss from now on, too, Lynch."

"Good," Ronan growled, kissing him roughly. They made out for a few more minutes and then there was a knock at the door.

"Uh, I don't want to interrupt but, is everything okay in there? You two made up? Adam, are you staying?"

"Fuck off, Gansey," Ronan and Adam said in unison, and went back to kissing. 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://adamparrush.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/adamparrush). Feedback is appreciated.


End file.
